I hate this

I hate food !!!!!

I hate how hard this is!!!!!!

I hate how frustrated and sad and disappointed this is all making me feel !!!!!

There is a part of me that just wants to give up at the moment. I feel like I am working so hard and not getting anywhere, I do some full on high intensity classes each week and I had been eating right and all to lose just 600grams per week, I don't want that to be my life for the next few years before I can even look at maintenance. But then what other option do I have, get fatter, where to from here, what is the difference between being healthy and being thin.

Maybe that is my defining point, but I want to be thin, I don't want to jiggle, I want to be able to buy clothes and not be worried that I have front bum. I also want to be thin to allow my relationship with Simon to be the best that it can be. So I want to lose weight, do I really want to put in all the hard work. I guess I just never thought it would be this hard, truthfully I have never really given it my all before, and so at the back of my head I always knew why I didn't succeed. This time I really did try, for a while anyway.

The house is feral, such a mess and I hate it, it is really bothering me, but I don't ever manage to keep it clean. Photography I love, but it is not bringing in any money, it bothers me that I am not contributing to the household when things are sooooooooooooo tight. I am feeling it from all levels at the moment.

OK I guess it is time to stop wallowing in my own little pity party.

what and where

I am feeling very unsure and unmotivated with everything at the moment.

I am struggling with everything at the moment and I just can't seem to get my head around my reasons. I know why I want to do this and I know the things that hold me back and also my excuses but I just can't seem to move past them. Am I not being truthful with myself, is there stuff that is holding me back or is it just another excuse.

My body feels so tired all the time, I have a feeling a must be sitting some where on the adrenal fatigue scale, and according to the naturopath I have a low functioning thyroid, nothing shows up on the main stream blood test. It is hard to get up and exercises or do anything when I am feeling so tired all the time, it is much easier to just put it off all the time, then it gets to late and I don't get it done and then I feel bad, guilty etc etc.

The whole food thing I am so struggling with, I just never feel satisfied, food frustrates me and I end up becoming really discouraged as every time I eat I feel so crap. I don't understand why I can't enjoy food, why does it become such a source of distain for me. It becomes so difficult to continue making this positive choices when food is just so frustrating.

I feel like I am cheating myself out of a life and I just don't understand why, why can't my head work this stuff out. Why do I still go to the shop and buy crap to eat, why do I choose not to exercise.

I am struggling at the moment and I feel like I am going backwards and that is not where I want to go. So where to and how? That is the question, I guess I am off to ponder and soul search as I really have no idea.

Update where am I now

Well it has been ages since I have posted, no real reason the motivation just hasn't been there. So lets do a overview and see whats happening and where things are.

Exercise

I had a week where I was sick and so I didn't go to the gym or so as much as I wanted to/should have. I have gone heaps better with the excises that I thought I would, I say that sitting on the couch avoiding going and doing anything at the gym tonight.

I have tried Combat, Shbam, Pump, Thump and Abs. I have loved them all, they are hard work but going with other people I know has been really helpful and made it much more enjoyable. I also have a program that I do as well, although I need to get more consistent with that.

Once a week I do a bootcamp, outside. Bootcamp is full on, running and up a hill. I still find bootcamp hard because of head issues, I had exercising when others can see me and we are out in a very popular park so there is always others around. I have to stop my head from thinking they are looking/watching me and judging me, I am trying to not let my perceptions of others colour my thoughts. It is so hard, but I keep pushing.

There has been 2 fitness tests since my last post, so slack lol.

Start Week

Edit

• Push Ups (Toes)

  -

• Push Ups (Knees)

  23

• Sit Reach (cm)

  14

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  8:19

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  1:35

Week 4

Edit

• Push Ups (Toes)

  -

• Push Ups (Knees)

  39

• Sit Reach (cm)

  14

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  8:02

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  1:55

Week 8

Edit

• Push Ups (Toes)

  -

• Push Ups (Knees)

  -

• Sit Reach (cm)

  14

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  7:52

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  1:07

So you can see my 1 km is slowly getting shorter, and in week 4 I was able to do heaps more push ups. My wall sit sucked in week 8, although I had done the 1000 steps 2 days before hand so I am not sure if that had something to do with it.

I want to be more organised with exercise and get it done in the morning and out of the way but it never happens that way. I find with Simon getting home so late and I wait up to see him I have so much trouble getting up in the morning but either way I am just so tired. I keep saying I want to the couch to 5k program but that never happens either, I really sure just head down to the track with the pram after school drop off and give it a go.

Food

I still have so many food issues. I am so much better than I was but each day is still a struggle not to eat crap. Right now I am full but I am feeling so unsatisfied and have such a craving for choc and junk in general. What is more stupid I am actually considering getting in the car and getting something, actually if I am honest that is one of the reasons why I haven't gone to the gym tonight as I am worried if I get in the car I will go and buy crap.
I hate the way my head just gravitates to the crap food, I am still trying to find something I really enjoy that gives me that same level of satisfaction that crap does. I get so frustrated with having to think about every meal, every thing I put in my mouth. I get so over having to think about food so much particularly when it is something that doesn't give me any pleasure, just huge frustration. I wish I had some ideas on how to make this work better, or be easier, but I don't. I believe that one day this will get easier, and one day I will re-train my brain to see good food as satisfying and nutritious and helpful to where I want my body to be.
I still struggle with the different/conflicting information that is out there, I try and focus on keeping within my cals, having lots of protein and also keeping my meals regular, about 2 hours apart.

Weight loss

Well I have not come anywhere near my goals for the 12 week program in terms of weight loss. I am frustrated that its coming of slowly, I wanted/need it to be a little faster, just a few bigger numbers would be great lol. So this is how the weight loss has gone over the program

START	Week 1	Week 2	Week 3	Week 4	Week 5	Week 6	Week 7	Week 8	Week 9	Week 10	Week 11	Week 12
Weight (kg)
144.5	142.4	141.5	141.6	141.8	139.8	139.8	138.9	138.2	137.7	136.8

So yep it is going down and heading in the right direction. I feel more comfortable with my measurements, I think they are more representative of what my body is actually doing, it is so hard not to get caught up in those stupid scales. I toy with not weighing in every week so I can't get caught up in them, but it is also nice to know I am still moving in the right direction.

Start Week

Edit

• Chest (cm)

  128

• Waist (cm)

  130

• Hips (cm)

  147

• L.Thigh (cm)

  79

• R.Thigh (cm)

  78

Week 4

Edit

• Chest (cm)

  125

• Waist (cm)

  125

• Hips (cm)

  139

• L.Thigh (cm)

  77

• R.Thigh (cm)

  75

Week 8

Edit

• Chest (cm)

  125

• Waist (cm)

  120

• Hips (cm)

  139

• L.Thigh (cm)

  75

• R.Thigh (cm)

  73

Mind

My head comes and goes, I get caught up in the numbers and I can't seem to get my head around the fact that I really want this and to do that I actually have to work. I lose the resolve to keep going some days, it is so easy to get caught up in life and the day to day crap that everything else just seems to get lost.

I don't tend to struggle with the negativity and putting myself down as much as I use to, I am trying very hard to work on being kind to me, rejoicing in the small wins, the baby steps.

Each day is a struggle, I have to remember to stay focused and grounded on the now, see what is actually happening around me and enjoy it, be an active participant in my life, I hope that there will be a point in time when that just happens. I want to feel like I am living my life and I know I tend to just do nothing, I still tend to sit on the couch and just play on the net, there are so many other things I could be doing, cleaning, gardening, exercise, all of which would involve me more in my own life. I get frustrated that is how I spend my days and yet I do it again.
I really want to be organised and have a clean and welcoming home that is bright and airy and inviting with a manicured garden. I feel like all of these things would make my head feel more settled and organised, yet here I sit avoiding all of these things.
One day I will work out myself and I am sure one day it will all fall into place, it will become something that I don't think about something that just happens. Until then I just have to keep trying and keep writing my to do lists and keep working on it.

I don't really know if this post has helped with anything. I am thinking maybe I need to come back and review and try and set myself some actions in each area. We have 2 weeks left to go on the program and I have to decide if I am going to do another round.

xox

Movement at the station

Well we are up to week 4, just about time to re-do our fitness test.

Week 1 I lost over 2 kg, yippee
Week 2 I lost 400grms
Week 3 I put on 300 grams.

I was so disappointed, not big numbers and I so thought I would pull big numbers, I am a big girl after all, and I had been eating better than ever and exercising more than ever and harder that ever. I have lost 5cms around my waist and I am feeling better, fitter and also less just general downs. As per usual my head did get caught up in the number and I didn't stop to focus on the positives, I had some pringles and some choc. Even when I bought them I knew it was in my head, I just didn't fight it, I am not even sure why just cos.

I worried that I couldn't do this that I wouldn't be strong enough to do this slowly, I want it to happen now. I am being silly and 12 months is not a huge chunk of time out of my life, so why am I wishing my life away. I need to work on the focusing on the here and now, enjoy the sounds, sights and smells, enjoy who I am discovering myself to be. I guess start actually living life, get outside and enjoy myself. Although I don't find this exercise caper enjoyable yet lol.

There is so much about this journey that is head space. I have had to start seeing my demons and becoming aware of those things. I have to stop trying to be the person I thing people want me to be, stop trying to please family and to live a life I feel guilty to have stopped being lived. I have to stop putting up my walls, and actually let others in, really in. I hide allot of me because I am worried that people wont like me if I am negative or not good enough.

My weight has been and still is such a big issue between Simon and I, for some many reasons, some mine some his, but instead of talking about it and involving him in my fears and thoughts, I have hidden them and struggled on my own, always feeling like I wasn't good enough. Now i try and talk to him about my thoughts and what I am doing, I also try and do exercise with him or while he is around. I never use to as I was always to embarrassed, which is silly its not like he doesn't know what I look like, and doing it together is something he enjoys.

My friend B posted recently about the mind set, I sort of got a feeling of which should come first. I change my mind on this. I am currently feeling and thinking, they go hand in hand, somewhere you have to want the weight loss, but also the healthy lifestyle, but you also have to want to look at your head, to think about why you do what you do and then plan a way around that, and then when all else fails, there is a 12wbt saying JFDI, just fucking do it.

I am getting better, and each step forward is a positive, and a slip up doesn't define me, it is now a learning opportunity.

We are doing our fitness test again this weekend, so that will be interesting. I have also joined the gym and for the first time ever done some classes which I am actually enjoying. I am enjoying it because I am going with the other girls from the group, I have some company and someone who will smile at me if I look at them and roll my eyes hehehehe. I still try and do some stuff outside and on my own, I keep pushing exercise has to be something I learn to love.

I am still having some issues with the food, I am not sure if counting calories is the right approach for me, and I am also not sure if I am on the right amount of calories, I have a feeling the level is to low for me. I am trying it on for size, becoming more aware of what I eat and the impact it has on my body. I am trying to include whole, unprocessed foods as often as possible, and a good source of protein at each meal. I continue to look and read about eating options and I continue to learn. I will get to a point where I find what works the best for my body. But for now I am happy to focus on good health whole foods, that fit within the calorie limit.

NOt really sure what this has been about or even the point, but that is my ramblings lol. xox

Start of the rest of the real me

Well the 12 wbt has started. I will post my before pics but be warned they are not nice at all.

On Sunday the 11th I did my fitness test
1km - 8.19
Wall Sit - 1.37 although I was screaming twinkle twinkle little star at the end, anything to keep my mind off what I was doing.
Flexibility - +14cms, wow I can bend hehehe
Push-up - 23 in a minute on knees, and I don't go low enough.

I was quite surprised with my numbers, I jogged 1 1/2 laps of the 1 km it was 2 1/2 laps, I thought I would be over the 10 mins for sure and that I would be crawling at the end.
The wall sit also surprised me I use to be4 able to do them for 2 mins, but that was about 5 years ago lol. It was pure grit that kept me there and also the fact that I feel this level of ownership over the facebook page and I needed to show them I could do it.

So I have had two days of eating right, and have done exercise on both days. I am feeling more positive and more focused which helps. It is weigh in day tomorrow and that is always such a hard day for me I am so worried about not losing weight, which is a possibility as until yesterday my food was crap, but I tend to get caught up in not losing and feel really negative. So I have decided to post on the facebook page that I will be exercising at the lake at 9:30, that way if I do have a bad weigh in I know I have kept myself on track.

Well food wise I have had
Breakfast
Special K, Boiled egg with 2 pieces of wholegrain toast with avocado.

Lunch
Curried egg, lettuce and sprout sandwich, Chicken with herbed yogurt sauce and salad.

Tea
Chicken with Herbed yogurt sauce and salad, char-grilled beef with salsa.

Amazingly I have liked avocado, last time i tried it, I didn't like it, mind you that was 12 yrs ago lol.

Well OK I think I am heading in the right direction.
Big loves to everyone xox

Where to from here

Well yet again I haven't been consistent with my blog. I am just finding that my head is so not where it should be. I now have all the info and the 12WBT starts on Monday, tomorrow there is a few of us doing our fitness test, and tonight I will be doing my pictures and me4asuerments. Not looking forward to any of those things at all.

I am finding it really hard to even want to do this, it all feels to hard already and I am feeling some what defeated at the moment and over come by everything. I am really hoping that I can just do robot mode and do what needs to be done and that some where along the line my head will follow.

I really am trying to get in here more often. Tomorrow I will have my fitness stats and also my before pic to show you all,

Danielle

Food for Monday 29th and plan for tomorrow

Well
Breakfast
special K with skim milk
Snack
fried mushrooms, ham, eggs on wholemeal toast
Lunch
Salad wrap with roast beef
Tea
Low Fat oven baked Chicken Parma, steam veggies, grilled zucchini and sweet potato mash
Snack
Low fat yogurt 100 grams and 3 strawberries.

Water 1.4 liters

Treadmill for 15 mins, was aiming for 25 but someone woke up lol.

Tomorrow exercises

I am thinking Kinects at 11 am, walk at 2pm and treadmill when Jhett goes to sleep.