Well we are up to week 4, just about time to re-do our fitness test.
Week 1 I lost over 2 kg, yippee
Week 2 I lost 400grms
Week 3 I put on 300 grams.
I was so disappointed, not big numbers and I so thought I would pull big numbers, I am a big girl after all, and I had been eating better than ever and exercising more than ever and harder that ever. I have lost 5cms around my waist and I am feeling better, fitter and also less just general downs. As per usual my head did get caught up in the number and I didn't stop to focus on the positives, I had some pringles and some choc. Even when I bought them I knew it was in my head, I just didn't fight it, I am not even sure why just cos.
I worried that I couldn't do this that I wouldn't be strong enough to do this slowly, I want it to happen now. I am being silly and 12 months is not a huge chunk of time out of my life, so why am I wishing my life away. I need to work on the focusing on the here and now, enjoy the sounds, sights and smells, enjoy who I am discovering myself to be. I guess start actually living life, get outside and enjoy myself. Although I don't find this exercise caper enjoyable yet lol.
There is so much about this journey that is head space. I have had to start seeing my demons and becoming aware of those things. I have to stop trying to be the person I thing people want me to be, stop trying to please family and to live a life I feel guilty to have stopped being lived. I have to stop putting up my walls, and actually let others in, really in. I hide allot of me because I am worried that people wont like me if I am negative or not good enough.
My weight has been and still is such a big issue between Simon and I, for some many reasons, some mine some his, but instead of talking about it and involving him in my fears and thoughts, I have hidden them and struggled on my own, always feeling like I wasn't good enough. Now i try and talk to him about my thoughts and what I am doing, I also try and do exercise with him or while he is around. I never use to as I was always to embarrassed, which is silly its not like he doesn't know what I look like, and doing it together is something he enjoys.
My friend B posted recently about the mind set, I sort of got a feeling of which should come first. I change my mind on this. I am currently feeling and thinking, they go hand in hand, somewhere you have to want the weight loss, but also the healthy lifestyle, but you also have to want to look at your head, to think about why you do what you do and then plan a way around that, and then when all else fails, there is a 12wbt saying JFDI, just fucking do it.
I am getting better, and each step forward is a positive, and a slip up doesn't define me, it is now a learning opportunity.
We are doing our fitness test again this weekend, so that will be interesting. I have also joined the gym and for the first time ever done some classes which I am actually enjoying. I am enjoying it because I am going with the other girls from the group, I have some company and someone who will smile at me if I look at them and roll my eyes hehehehe. I still try and do some stuff outside and on my own, I keep pushing exercise has to be something I learn to love.
I am still having some issues with the food, I am not sure if counting calories is the right approach for me, and I am also not sure if I am on the right amount of calories, I have a feeling the level is to low for me. I am trying it on for size, becoming more aware of what I eat and the impact it has on my body. I am trying to include whole, unprocessed foods as often as possible, and a good source of protein at each meal. I continue to look and read about eating options and I continue to learn. I will get to a point where I find what works the best for my body. But for now I am happy to focus on good health whole foods, that fit within the calorie limit.
NOt really sure what this has been about or even the point, but that is my ramblings lol. xox
