I hate this

I hate food !!!!!

I hate how hard this is!!!!!!

I hate how frustrated and sad and disappointed this is all making me feel !!!!!

There is a part of me that just wants to give up at the moment. I feel like I am working so hard and not getting anywhere, I do some full on high intensity classes each week and I had been eating right and all to lose just 600grams per week, I don't want that to be my life for the next few years before I can even look at maintenance. But then what other option do I have, get fatter, where to from here, what is the difference between being healthy and being thin.

Maybe that is my defining point, but I want to be thin, I don't want to jiggle, I want to be able to buy clothes and not be worried that I have front bum. I also want to be thin to allow my relationship with Simon to be the best that it can be. So I want to lose weight, do I really want to put in all the hard work. I guess I just never thought it would be this hard, truthfully I have never really given it my all before, and so at the back of my head I always knew why I didn't succeed. This time I really did try, for a while anyway.

The house is feral, such a mess and I hate it, it is really bothering me, but I don't ever manage to keep it clean. Photography I love, but it is not bringing in any money, it bothers me that I am not contributing to the household when things are sooooooooooooo tight. I am feeling it from all levels at the moment.

OK I guess it is time to stop wallowing in my own little pity party.

what and where

I am feeling very unsure and unmotivated with everything at the moment.

I am struggling with everything at the moment and I just can't seem to get my head around my reasons. I know why I want to do this and I know the things that hold me back and also my excuses but I just can't seem to move past them. Am I not being truthful with myself, is there stuff that is holding me back or is it just another excuse.

My body feels so tired all the time, I have a feeling a must be sitting some where on the adrenal fatigue scale, and according to the naturopath I have a low functioning thyroid, nothing shows up on the main stream blood test. It is hard to get up and exercises or do anything when I am feeling so tired all the time, it is much easier to just put it off all the time, then it gets to late and I don't get it done and then I feel bad, guilty etc etc.

The whole food thing I am so struggling with, I just never feel satisfied, food frustrates me and I end up becoming really discouraged as every time I eat I feel so crap. I don't understand why I can't enjoy food, why does it become such a source of distain for me. It becomes so difficult to continue making this positive choices when food is just so frustrating.

I feel like I am cheating myself out of a life and I just don't understand why, why can't my head work this stuff out. Why do I still go to the shop and buy crap to eat, why do I choose not to exercise.

I am struggling at the moment and I feel like I am going backwards and that is not where I want to go. So where to and how? That is the question, I guess I am off to ponder and soul search as I really have no idea.

Update where am I now

Well it has been ages since I have posted, no real reason the motivation just hasn't been there. So lets do a overview and see whats happening and where things are.

Exercise

I had a week where I was sick and so I didn't go to the gym or so as much as I wanted to/should have. I have gone heaps better with the excises that I thought I would, I say that sitting on the couch avoiding going and doing anything at the gym tonight.

I have tried Combat, Shbam, Pump, Thump and Abs. I have loved them all, they are hard work but going with other people I know has been really helpful and made it much more enjoyable. I also have a program that I do as well, although I need to get more consistent with that.

Once a week I do a bootcamp, outside. Bootcamp is full on, running and up a hill. I still find bootcamp hard because of head issues, I had exercising when others can see me and we are out in a very popular park so there is always others around. I have to stop my head from thinking they are looking/watching me and judging me, I am trying to not let my perceptions of others colour my thoughts. It is so hard, but I keep pushing.

There has been 2 fitness tests since my last post, so slack lol.

Start Week

Edit

• Push Ups (Toes)

  -

• Push Ups (Knees)

  23

• Sit Reach (cm)

  14

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  8:19

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  1:35

Week 4

Edit

• Push Ups (Toes)

  -

• Push Ups (Knees)

  39

• Sit Reach (cm)

  14

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  8:02

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  1:55

Week 8

Edit

• Push Ups (Toes)

  -

• Push Ups (Knees)

  -

• Sit Reach (cm)

  14

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  7:52

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  1:07

So you can see my 1 km is slowly getting shorter, and in week 4 I was able to do heaps more push ups. My wall sit sucked in week 8, although I had done the 1000 steps 2 days before hand so I am not sure if that had something to do with it.

I want to be more organised with exercise and get it done in the morning and out of the way but it never happens that way. I find with Simon getting home so late and I wait up to see him I have so much trouble getting up in the morning but either way I am just so tired. I keep saying I want to the couch to 5k program but that never happens either, I really sure just head down to the track with the pram after school drop off and give it a go.

Food

I still have so many food issues. I am so much better than I was but each day is still a struggle not to eat crap. Right now I am full but I am feeling so unsatisfied and have such a craving for choc and junk in general. What is more stupid I am actually considering getting in the car and getting something, actually if I am honest that is one of the reasons why I haven't gone to the gym tonight as I am worried if I get in the car I will go and buy crap.
I hate the way my head just gravitates to the crap food, I am still trying to find something I really enjoy that gives me that same level of satisfaction that crap does. I get so frustrated with having to think about every meal, every thing I put in my mouth. I get so over having to think about food so much particularly when it is something that doesn't give me any pleasure, just huge frustration. I wish I had some ideas on how to make this work better, or be easier, but I don't. I believe that one day this will get easier, and one day I will re-train my brain to see good food as satisfying and nutritious and helpful to where I want my body to be.
I still struggle with the different/conflicting information that is out there, I try and focus on keeping within my cals, having lots of protein and also keeping my meals regular, about 2 hours apart.

Weight loss

Well I have not come anywhere near my goals for the 12 week program in terms of weight loss. I am frustrated that its coming of slowly, I wanted/need it to be a little faster, just a few bigger numbers would be great lol. So this is how the weight loss has gone over the program

START	Week 1	Week 2	Week 3	Week 4	Week 5	Week 6	Week 7	Week 8	Week 9	Week 10	Week 11	Week 12
Weight (kg)
144.5	142.4	141.5	141.6	141.8	139.8	139.8	138.9	138.2	137.7	136.8

So yep it is going down and heading in the right direction. I feel more comfortable with my measurements, I think they are more representative of what my body is actually doing, it is so hard not to get caught up in those stupid scales. I toy with not weighing in every week so I can't get caught up in them, but it is also nice to know I am still moving in the right direction.

Start Week

Edit

• Chest (cm)

  128

• Waist (cm)

  130

• Hips (cm)

  147

• L.Thigh (cm)

  79

• R.Thigh (cm)

  78

Week 4

Edit

• Chest (cm)

  125

• Waist (cm)

  125

• Hips (cm)

  139

• L.Thigh (cm)

  77

• R.Thigh (cm)

  75

Week 8

Edit

• Chest (cm)

  125

• Waist (cm)

  120

• Hips (cm)

  139

• L.Thigh (cm)

  75

• R.Thigh (cm)

  73

Mind

My head comes and goes, I get caught up in the numbers and I can't seem to get my head around the fact that I really want this and to do that I actually have to work. I lose the resolve to keep going some days, it is so easy to get caught up in life and the day to day crap that everything else just seems to get lost.

I don't tend to struggle with the negativity and putting myself down as much as I use to, I am trying very hard to work on being kind to me, rejoicing in the small wins, the baby steps.

Each day is a struggle, I have to remember to stay focused and grounded on the now, see what is actually happening around me and enjoy it, be an active participant in my life, I hope that there will be a point in time when that just happens. I want to feel like I am living my life and I know I tend to just do nothing, I still tend to sit on the couch and just play on the net, there are so many other things I could be doing, cleaning, gardening, exercise, all of which would involve me more in my own life. I get frustrated that is how I spend my days and yet I do it again.
I really want to be organised and have a clean and welcoming home that is bright and airy and inviting with a manicured garden. I feel like all of these things would make my head feel more settled and organised, yet here I sit avoiding all of these things.
One day I will work out myself and I am sure one day it will all fall into place, it will become something that I don't think about something that just happens. Until then I just have to keep trying and keep writing my to do lists and keep working on it.

I don't really know if this post has helped with anything. I am thinking maybe I need to come back and review and try and set myself some actions in each area. We have 2 weeks left to go on the program and I have to decide if I am going to do another round.

xox