Wrap up and where to from here

Well the 12 wbt has finished and I have been reviewing and floundering a little. So thought I would put some thoughts down here.

Sydney weekend.
The end of the 12wbt was in Sydney and a group of us went up from the weekend. I went into the weekend feeling like I shouldn't have been there, I didn't feel like I achieved anything, and felt like a fraud. I was also really struggling with the fact that me going to Sydney was spending money that we really just didn't have. It was nice to get away and enjoy some time out, I got the see some of Sydney and spend time with some amazing ladies who motivate me and support me. It was brilliant being able to enjoy the atmosphere at the workout, everyone was so enthusiastic and pumped, a few of the girls even managed to get up close and personal with Michelle. The party was also great fun, it was so nice to frock up and get silly with the girls, we got a bit messy but had a great time. There are photos and I will get around to posting them at some stage.

Simon and I did a Boot camp session on Sunday and Matt the instructor asked my what I got out of the 12wbt program, I found it really difficult to answer. So I have been thinking about it. My answer to him was I didn't get what I wanted but I did get some other amazing things. What I got out of the program was an amazing support group and some amazing friends. A desire to continue to strive forward, a recognition of the fact that I want to help others with the hard painful fight that is called weight loss (like it is something easy hehehe). I found out that I am stronger than I thought, I can do activite4s that make me uncomfortable, that I can exercises, and that it is not as bad as I thought it was. I wouldn't say I like it, but it is tolerable lol. I also learnt that I have to keep fighting my demons, and looking for the path that works for me.

So what am I going to do now....
Well lately it has been a whole heap of nothing, and excess food.

• Create a motivation/goal/achievement poster.
• Start taking more photos of myself and the kids and of me doing physical stuff.
• Write up a food menu, guidelines around what I want to focus on.
• Diaries an exercise plan
• Try stuff that I haven't before.

Most of all I need to work on believing in me and realising that I am good a the things I do.

Part of that is about developing my photography business, so reviewing tutorials, participating in on line competitions when ever possible and making sure I do some shoots for myself, with my concepts.

I can say it, logically it works, it just doesn't seem to happen, I struggle with why it doesn't translate into action.

So off we go again, plodding along, trying to muddle my way through. It is almost next year so focusing on being the best me I can be.

I hate this

I hate food !!!!!

I hate how hard this is!!!!!!

I hate how frustrated and sad and disappointed this is all making me feel !!!!!

There is a part of me that just wants to give up at the moment. I feel like I am working so hard and not getting anywhere, I do some full on high intensity classes each week and I had been eating right and all to lose just 600grams per week, I don't want that to be my life for the next few years before I can even look at maintenance. But then what other option do I have, get fatter, where to from here, what is the difference between being healthy and being thin.

Maybe that is my defining point, but I want to be thin, I don't want to jiggle, I want to be able to buy clothes and not be worried that I have front bum. I also want to be thin to allow my relationship with Simon to be the best that it can be. So I want to lose weight, do I really want to put in all the hard work. I guess I just never thought it would be this hard, truthfully I have never really given it my all before, and so at the back of my head I always knew why I didn't succeed. This time I really did try, for a while anyway.

The house is feral, such a mess and I hate it, it is really bothering me, but I don't ever manage to keep it clean. Photography I love, but it is not bringing in any money, it bothers me that I am not contributing to the household when things are sooooooooooooo tight. I am feeling it from all levels at the moment.

OK I guess it is time to stop wallowing in my own little pity party.

what and where

I am feeling very unsure and unmotivated with everything at the moment.

I am struggling with everything at the moment and I just can't seem to get my head around my reasons. I know why I want to do this and I know the things that hold me back and also my excuses but I just can't seem to move past them. Am I not being truthful with myself, is there stuff that is holding me back or is it just another excuse.

My body feels so tired all the time, I have a feeling a must be sitting some where on the adrenal fatigue scale, and according to the naturopath I have a low functioning thyroid, nothing shows up on the main stream blood test. It is hard to get up and exercises or do anything when I am feeling so tired all the time, it is much easier to just put it off all the time, then it gets to late and I don't get it done and then I feel bad, guilty etc etc.

The whole food thing I am so struggling with, I just never feel satisfied, food frustrates me and I end up becoming really discouraged as every time I eat I feel so crap. I don't understand why I can't enjoy food, why does it become such a source of distain for me. It becomes so difficult to continue making this positive choices when food is just so frustrating.

I feel like I am cheating myself out of a life and I just don't understand why, why can't my head work this stuff out. Why do I still go to the shop and buy crap to eat, why do I choose not to exercise.

I am struggling at the moment and I feel like I am going backwards and that is not where I want to go. So where to and how? That is the question, I guess I am off to ponder and soul search as I really have no idea.

Update where am I now

Well it has been ages since I have posted, no real reason the motivation just hasn't been there. So lets do a overview and see whats happening and where things are.

Exercise

I had a week where I was sick and so I didn't go to the gym or so as much as I wanted to/should have. I have gone heaps better with the excises that I thought I would, I say that sitting on the couch avoiding going and doing anything at the gym tonight.

I have tried Combat, Shbam, Pump, Thump and Abs. I have loved them all, they are hard work but going with other people I know has been really helpful and made it much more enjoyable. I also have a program that I do as well, although I need to get more consistent with that.

Once a week I do a bootcamp, outside. Bootcamp is full on, running and up a hill. I still find bootcamp hard because of head issues, I had exercising when others can see me and we are out in a very popular park so there is always others around. I have to stop my head from thinking they are looking/watching me and judging me, I am trying to not let my perceptions of others colour my thoughts. It is so hard, but I keep pushing.

There has been 2 fitness tests since my last post, so slack lol.

Start Week

Edit

• Push Ups (Toes)

  -

• Push Ups (Knees)

  23

• Sit Reach (cm)

  14

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  8:19

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  1:35

Week 4

Edit

• Push Ups (Toes)

  -

• Push Ups (Knees)

  39

• Sit Reach (cm)

  14

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  8:02

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  1:55

Week 8

Edit

• Push Ups (Toes)

  -

• Push Ups (Knees)

  -

• Sit Reach (cm)

  14

• Time Trial (min:sec)

  7:52

• Wall Sit (min:sec)

  1:07

So you can see my 1 km is slowly getting shorter, and in week 4 I was able to do heaps more push ups. My wall sit sucked in week 8, although I had done the 1000 steps 2 days before hand so I am not sure if that had something to do with it.

I want to be more organised with exercise and get it done in the morning and out of the way but it never happens that way. I find with Simon getting home so late and I wait up to see him I have so much trouble getting up in the morning but either way I am just so tired. I keep saying I want to the couch to 5k program but that never happens either, I really sure just head down to the track with the pram after school drop off and give it a go.

Food

I still have so many food issues. I am so much better than I was but each day is still a struggle not to eat crap. Right now I am full but I am feeling so unsatisfied and have such a craving for choc and junk in general. What is more stupid I am actually considering getting in the car and getting something, actually if I am honest that is one of the reasons why I haven't gone to the gym tonight as I am worried if I get in the car I will go and buy crap.
I hate the way my head just gravitates to the crap food, I am still trying to find something I really enjoy that gives me that same level of satisfaction that crap does. I get so frustrated with having to think about every meal, every thing I put in my mouth. I get so over having to think about food so much particularly when it is something that doesn't give me any pleasure, just huge frustration. I wish I had some ideas on how to make this work better, or be easier, but I don't. I believe that one day this will get easier, and one day I will re-train my brain to see good food as satisfying and nutritious and helpful to where I want my body to be.
I still struggle with the different/conflicting information that is out there, I try and focus on keeping within my cals, having lots of protein and also keeping my meals regular, about 2 hours apart.

Weight loss

Well I have not come anywhere near my goals for the 12 week program in terms of weight loss. I am frustrated that its coming of slowly, I wanted/need it to be a little faster, just a few bigger numbers would be great lol. So this is how the weight loss has gone over the program

START	Week 1	Week 2	Week 3	Week 4	Week 5	Week 6	Week 7	Week 8	Week 9	Week 10	Week 11	Week 12
Weight (kg)
144.5	142.4	141.5	141.6	141.8	139.8	139.8	138.9	138.2	137.7	136.8

So yep it is going down and heading in the right direction. I feel more comfortable with my measurements, I think they are more representative of what my body is actually doing, it is so hard not to get caught up in those stupid scales. I toy with not weighing in every week so I can't get caught up in them, but it is also nice to know I am still moving in the right direction.

Start Week

Edit

• Chest (cm)

  128

• Waist (cm)

  130

• Hips (cm)

  147

• L.Thigh (cm)

  79

• R.Thigh (cm)

  78

Week 4

Edit

• Chest (cm)

  125

• Waist (cm)

  125

• Hips (cm)

  139

• L.Thigh (cm)

  77

• R.Thigh (cm)

  75

Week 8

Edit

• Chest (cm)

  125

• Waist (cm)

  120

• Hips (cm)

  139

• L.Thigh (cm)

  75

• R.Thigh (cm)

  73

Mind

My head comes and goes, I get caught up in the numbers and I can't seem to get my head around the fact that I really want this and to do that I actually have to work. I lose the resolve to keep going some days, it is so easy to get caught up in life and the day to day crap that everything else just seems to get lost.

I don't tend to struggle with the negativity and putting myself down as much as I use to, I am trying very hard to work on being kind to me, rejoicing in the small wins, the baby steps.

Each day is a struggle, I have to remember to stay focused and grounded on the now, see what is actually happening around me and enjoy it, be an active participant in my life, I hope that there will be a point in time when that just happens. I want to feel like I am living my life and I know I tend to just do nothing, I still tend to sit on the couch and just play on the net, there are so many other things I could be doing, cleaning, gardening, exercise, all of which would involve me more in my own life. I get frustrated that is how I spend my days and yet I do it again.
I really want to be organised and have a clean and welcoming home that is bright and airy and inviting with a manicured garden. I feel like all of these things would make my head feel more settled and organised, yet here I sit avoiding all of these things.
One day I will work out myself and I am sure one day it will all fall into place, it will become something that I don't think about something that just happens. Until then I just have to keep trying and keep writing my to do lists and keep working on it.

I don't really know if this post has helped with anything. I am thinking maybe I need to come back and review and try and set myself some actions in each area. We have 2 weeks left to go on the program and I have to decide if I am going to do another round.

xox

Movement at the station

Well we are up to week 4, just about time to re-do our fitness test.

Week 1 I lost over 2 kg, yippee
Week 2 I lost 400grms
Week 3 I put on 300 grams.

I was so disappointed, not big numbers and I so thought I would pull big numbers, I am a big girl after all, and I had been eating better than ever and exercising more than ever and harder that ever. I have lost 5cms around my waist and I am feeling better, fitter and also less just general downs. As per usual my head did get caught up in the number and I didn't stop to focus on the positives, I had some pringles and some choc. Even when I bought them I knew it was in my head, I just didn't fight it, I am not even sure why just cos.

I worried that I couldn't do this that I wouldn't be strong enough to do this slowly, I want it to happen now. I am being silly and 12 months is not a huge chunk of time out of my life, so why am I wishing my life away. I need to work on the focusing on the here and now, enjoy the sounds, sights and smells, enjoy who I am discovering myself to be. I guess start actually living life, get outside and enjoy myself. Although I don't find this exercise caper enjoyable yet lol.

There is so much about this journey that is head space. I have had to start seeing my demons and becoming aware of those things. I have to stop trying to be the person I thing people want me to be, stop trying to please family and to live a life I feel guilty to have stopped being lived. I have to stop putting up my walls, and actually let others in, really in. I hide allot of me because I am worried that people wont like me if I am negative or not good enough.

My weight has been and still is such a big issue between Simon and I, for some many reasons, some mine some his, but instead of talking about it and involving him in my fears and thoughts, I have hidden them and struggled on my own, always feeling like I wasn't good enough. Now i try and talk to him about my thoughts and what I am doing, I also try and do exercise with him or while he is around. I never use to as I was always to embarrassed, which is silly its not like he doesn't know what I look like, and doing it together is something he enjoys.

My friend B posted recently about the mind set, I sort of got a feeling of which should come first. I change my mind on this. I am currently feeling and thinking, they go hand in hand, somewhere you have to want the weight loss, but also the healthy lifestyle, but you also have to want to look at your head, to think about why you do what you do and then plan a way around that, and then when all else fails, there is a 12wbt saying JFDI, just fucking do it.

I am getting better, and each step forward is a positive, and a slip up doesn't define me, it is now a learning opportunity.

We are doing our fitness test again this weekend, so that will be interesting. I have also joined the gym and for the first time ever done some classes which I am actually enjoying. I am enjoying it because I am going with the other girls from the group, I have some company and someone who will smile at me if I look at them and roll my eyes hehehehe. I still try and do some stuff outside and on my own, I keep pushing exercise has to be something I learn to love.

I am still having some issues with the food, I am not sure if counting calories is the right approach for me, and I am also not sure if I am on the right amount of calories, I have a feeling the level is to low for me. I am trying it on for size, becoming more aware of what I eat and the impact it has on my body. I am trying to include whole, unprocessed foods as often as possible, and a good source of protein at each meal. I continue to look and read about eating options and I continue to learn. I will get to a point where I find what works the best for my body. But for now I am happy to focus on good health whole foods, that fit within the calorie limit.

NOt really sure what this has been about or even the point, but that is my ramblings lol. xox

Start of the rest of the real me

Well the 12 wbt has started. I will post my before pics but be warned they are not nice at all.

On Sunday the 11th I did my fitness test
1km - 8.19
Wall Sit - 1.37 although I was screaming twinkle twinkle little star at the end, anything to keep my mind off what I was doing.
Flexibility - +14cms, wow I can bend hehehe
Push-up - 23 in a minute on knees, and I don't go low enough.

I was quite surprised with my numbers, I jogged 1 1/2 laps of the 1 km it was 2 1/2 laps, I thought I would be over the 10 mins for sure and that I would be crawling at the end.
The wall sit also surprised me I use to be4 able to do them for 2 mins, but that was about 5 years ago lol. It was pure grit that kept me there and also the fact that I feel this level of ownership over the facebook page and I needed to show them I could do it.

So I have had two days of eating right, and have done exercise on both days. I am feeling more positive and more focused which helps. It is weigh in day tomorrow and that is always such a hard day for me I am so worried about not losing weight, which is a possibility as until yesterday my food was crap, but I tend to get caught up in not losing and feel really negative. So I have decided to post on the facebook page that I will be exercising at the lake at 9:30, that way if I do have a bad weigh in I know I have kept myself on track.

Well food wise I have had
Breakfast
Special K, Boiled egg with 2 pieces of wholegrain toast with avocado.

Lunch
Curried egg, lettuce and sprout sandwich, Chicken with herbed yogurt sauce and salad.

Tea
Chicken with Herbed yogurt sauce and salad, char-grilled beef with salsa.

Amazingly I have liked avocado, last time i tried it, I didn't like it, mind you that was 12 yrs ago lol.

Well OK I think I am heading in the right direction.
Big loves to everyone xox

Where to from here

Well yet again I haven't been consistent with my blog. I am just finding that my head is so not where it should be. I now have all the info and the 12WBT starts on Monday, tomorrow there is a few of us doing our fitness test, and tonight I will be doing my pictures and me4asuerments. Not looking forward to any of those things at all.

I am finding it really hard to even want to do this, it all feels to hard already and I am feeling some what defeated at the moment and over come by everything. I am really hoping that I can just do robot mode and do what needs to be done and that some where along the line my head will follow.

I really am trying to get in here more often. Tomorrow I will have my fitness stats and also my before pic to show you all,

Danielle

Food for Monday 29th and plan for tomorrow

Well
Breakfast
special K with skim milk
Snack
fried mushrooms, ham, eggs on wholemeal toast
Lunch
Salad wrap with roast beef
Tea
Low Fat oven baked Chicken Parma, steam veggies, grilled zucchini and sweet potato mash
Snack
Low fat yogurt 100 grams and 3 strawberries.

Water 1.4 liters

Treadmill for 15 mins, was aiming for 25 but someone woke up lol.

Tomorrow exercises

I am thinking Kinects at 11 am, walk at 2pm and treadmill when Jhett goes to sleep.

My commitment

I commit to respecting and honouring myself by eating nourishing foods and using my body for what it is designed, physical activity. I am committed to respecting and supporting myself through erasing my negative self-talk and excuses. I am committed to transforming my body into a power house, to completing in a body sculpting competition – to highlight my strength and tone, to becoming an accomplished Burlesque performer – to highlight the sexiness that is my body and personality and to running a Marathon with Fi in 12 months time – to highlight my endurance, grit and staying power.

I am committed to doing this through consistency, organisation, belief in those that know better than me and my ability to fake it till I make it. I am committed to exercising 6 days per week, planning and sticking to my menu plan and completing all task’s set to the best of my ability and 10% more at all times. I am committed to supporting other through their journey and allowing myself to believe the advice and support I give to others. I am committed to making myself the best version of myself I can be through following the 12 wbt program at all times.

Ummmmmmmmm I just dont know

Hey everyone.

So much for posting everyday.

I just can not get my head around actually walking the walking and not just talking the talk. I am full of advice and support and encouragement for everyone else but I just can't seem to transfer that to myself.

Things aren't to bad at the moment, emotionally things have slowed down but I just feel like I kinda don't live in my body at the moment, like I am disconnected some where along the line.

I am trying to sort myself out, trying to get back to some sort of even playing field.

I will work on getting here more regularly, I am thinking at night to plan my next day and to update on the days activity and food. Maybe that will help me to just do what needs to be done.

Ok well I will be back tonight.......

Welcome back

Hey Everyone, big shout out to Ms Bianca, this is for you my love

I know I have been missing in action for quite a while now, the last few weeks have been a bit full on emotionally and I have really fallen off the wagon.

Ms Melons and I are no longer friends due to some action that were taken by Ms Melons, this is something that caused me a great deal of pain and really sent my spiralling for a while. I have decided that I will not be her victim and I will be stronger and better.

I have joined up with the Michelle Bridges 12WBT program, pre-season started this week. I am excited and scared. We have a group of about 30 people all from this area who all seem really excited about the program and I am looking forward to getting to know them and share this journey with them.

My eating and excercise are so not happening at the moment. Today I haven't had any choc and although I haven't excercised I have a plan lol.

My task on the 12WBT program today is to write out all my excuses for why I dont JFDI (just fucking do it). I am avoiding it lol.

So I am now working on back to blogging everyday. So here we go again guys ,this time with renewed determination.

Here is the link to my youtube intro for the 12wbt program
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teWoINv64qI&feature=related

Night all xox

22nd of june to 28th of June

Hey all

Sorry I have been missing in action a little. No particular reason just busy, and Jhett has been, still is unwell.

My eating hasn't been too bad in the last 6 days. I was doing really well until Sunday when I had some lemon meringue pies and scones with Jam. I realised that I still cant have something sweet or carb loaded as I still have the cravings afterwards. So I am fighting the cravings again...........so much fun.

Exercise hasn't been to bad, I actually exercised off my own back a couple of times which is a big achievement for me.

I am going to try and focus on my body image over the next few weeks and continuing to build my new skills into habits, rather than conscious decisions.

Food has been a bit hit and miss today.

Lunch
Sausage roll

Snack
Apple and Sultana cinnamon scone

Tea
Steak with steamed and grilled veggies

1 x Cappuccino
3 x cup of tea
1 litre of water

So back on track and back to blogging every day. I am working on taking some new photos to post. I will also do some measurements so that I can compare at the end of my journey.

Looking forward to being back on track tomorrow

Danielle xox

Wed 22nd of June

Hey everyone

It has been over a week since I started this journey, normally on a weight loss journey people weigh in weekly, so normally I would be giving an update. Ms Melons has suggested (lol not sure suggested is really the right term, maybe demanded/stated or even dictated would be better) that I don't weigh in at all, I just use my clothes to gauge how things are going.

This works in my head for 2 reasons;

1. Weigh in becomes a very negative thing for me, I get very anxious about it and if I don't lose enough I can get very demoralised and I can run of the rails because of that. On the other hand there are times when if I have a big lose I can see that as a free pass to eat something that is a negative for my body.
2. This change in my life is not just about the weight loss but also about being healthy and so I don't want to make the weight loss the primary focus.

Well today was a bit of a milestone for me, I came home and exercised off my own back, Ms Melons didn't even need to twist my arm lol.

One of the things I find hard is to keep my head focused and to not get caught up in the fact that I need to get rid of between 70-80 kg, that is a whole person. When I think about that it becomes hard to keep going, it just seems like it is going to take such a long time, and it is such hard work, isn't it just easier to stay here. I don't ever remember being thin and I have never lived my life doing the things I wanted to, so I don't even have that idea of what to look forward to. So again I just try to ignore it, and focus on being healthy, nourishing my body with un-processed foods and moving my body with exercises that make me sweat and puff.

Breakfast
Protein drink with fibre

Lunch
Salad with beef

Tea
Turkey and veggie meatballs with wholegrain pasta and tomato sauce, all home made, by me, not Simon that chef lol.

Low-Fat custard with jelly and fruit.

1 x cappuccino
2 x cup of tea
2 litres of water

Mon 20th of june and Tue 21st of June

Hi all

I got an email from a wonderful friends of mine B the other day. B has been following my blog.

One of the things I wanted to say, and I touched on it a bit the other day when I talked about light bulb moments but B bought it up again.

For me there was never a light bulb moment, there was a series of events that gave me the push to try again, I didn't go into this time knowing that I was going to do it and that I would be able to fight those demons in my head. For me it was just about keeping going, trying new things till I found the thing that worked for me, when I was in the right head space. Head space for me, means I am happy with my life, and for once it is all rather smooth. I have a great group of friends and I feel like I want to actually participate in life, rather than waiting to get thin to live.

I am still scared and that horrible little voice in my head still tries to get the better of me. I worry that I wont get where I want to go, I don't want to use the words succeed or fail it sounds like I am on trial for something. I am changing my life, I am enjoying myself, I am trying to live each day to the full.

In terms of my eating plan, I started with Tony Ferguson, now I just try to eat non-processed foods, or in trendy terms nude foods. Spices are my friends lol. Generally protein drink for breakfast, salad for lunch with a serve of protein, tea with steamed or grilled veggies and a serve of protein. I try to have fruit as my snacks, or yogurt. Water is over 2 litres and I do notice the difference when I don't have it, for me it does seem to help with the sugar cravings as well. I am booked in to see a Dietitian on the 30th so we will see what she has to say. The other thing that really helps me is home-made low fat veggie soup, there is always some in the fridge so when ever I am wanting something I will have some of that.

Exercises, is still something that I don't automatically choose to do, having Ms Melons has been a really positive thing for me, I just tag along with her. In general for me it is about finding ways to be more active in general through out the day.

Mon 20th
Breakfast
Brunch Bar

Lunch
Soup

Tea
Chicken and Veggies

Snacks (now there is a part of me that doesn't want to write this down, but this blog is about being 100% open on honest)
apple
Soup
Yogurt
Dried Fruit
2 x home made mini low fat date muffins

3 x cappuccino's
2 x tea
2.5 litres water

Tuesday 21st of June
Breakfast
Protein shake and fibre

Lunch
Salad and turkey

Tea
Chicken and Veggies

Snacks
Apple
2 x mini date muffins
yogurt and fruit.

3 x tea
2 litres water.

On Monday Ms Melons and I walked around the lake, twice lol, she made me. Man she pushes, not allowed to slack off even when the wind is just about blowing us off the path. lol I feel a little bit achy today but that is more about muscles that being sore. If the rain holds off tomorrow we will go again.

Danielle xox

Sunday 19th of June

I thought I might talk about some of my light bulb moments, or the reasons why I am finding that the weight loss caper is working this time.

1. I read a book called, women, food and god that really clicked with me.
2. My youngest child (10 months) scares me, he is so very very active lol
3. I want my life, the life I dream about in my head and I am sick of talking about it and doing nothing.

I sort of am not sure why it is working this time, it just is, my Dr said come and talk to me when you have decided you actually want to put in the hard work and not be lazy and I am never one to shy away from a challenge lol.

I still worry that my head is playing tricks on me and every day is still a battle to follow the lifestyle change, the negative voice is still strong and the comments of worthlessness and failure still come often. I still have my days where I am feeling down and defeated, I am still working through those, each day is an achievement.

Today I did about 30 mins of cardio, my 5 year old daughter was feeding the baby in the lounge for me while I was doing my cardio, she is funny, she said to me "its OK mum I will feed Jhett so you can do your exercises cos you need to get fit", how can I not succeed when even my 5 yr old is supporting me.

Breakfast
Porridge with dried fruit, low fat milk and honey

Lunch
Salad with Roast beef

Snack
Date muffin

Tea
Extra Lean Chipolata, with veggies

Snack
Berry, jelly and yoghurt

4 x cups of tea
1 x cappuccino
2 litres water

Sat 18th of June

Breakfast
Shake and Fibre

Snack
Small salad

Lunch
Eggs and Bacon

Snack
Hand-full of Dried fruit

Tea
Steak and Veggie Kebabs with cauliflower mash
Home-Made low fat, fruit and Jelly pudding

Snack
Home-Made low fat mini muffin sized date muffin.

1 x cappuccino
5 x tea
1 litre of Water

16th and 17th of June

Sorry about missing two days.

Thursday 16th of June

Today I walked around the shopping centre for a couple of hours lol.

breakfast
Shake and Fiber

Lunch
Salad and roast beef

Tea
Veggies and Extra Lean Chipolatas

2 x Cappuccino
1.5 Liters of water (oops)
Tea x 4


Friday

Breakfast
Brunch Bar

Snack
Apple

Lunch
Salad and Turkey

Tea
Steak and Veggies

2 x Cappuccino
3 x tea
1.5 liters of Water.

Well today I had my hair cut and coloured, I am currently toying with a faux Hawk. Nothing like having a hair cut that makes people stare when you have anxiety about people looking at you.

What I have found hard about the last two days is that I have been caught up with friends and different activities and I haven't exercised as much. I think I am going to have to look at really planning my day a bit more, and that I may actually have to start getting up earlier and doing some stuff in the morning before everyone else gets up.

I still feel alot of anxiety exercising around Simon my partner, I know that doesn't make any sense, he sees me naked on a regular basis, we have a kid together lol. I just feel that me sweating and jiggling must be such a turn off, so I feel nervous about it.

This weekend is the weekend we have all of the kids here ( I have 3 kids, Simon has 2 kids and we have 1 together, so yep all up there is 6 kids). I tend to get in a negative space on this weekend as there are a few issues between myself and one of Simon's kids and it can make the weekend very difficult for all of us.

I will be back later tonight to report on today.

Danielle xox

Wed 15th of June

Today has been a bit blah this afternoon I really feel like some carb's, I hate the cravings they really do suck and are so hard to ignore.

Ms Melons and I went for another walk today, I still didn't manage to keep up but my back and hips did feel better today. Melons decided she would up the anty today and that we would do a workout after our walk. We did the beach bum work out that you can find here http://toneitup.fitsugar.com/Beach-Workout--Tone--Up-15358011. Man did it hurt and I couldn't do the exercises like they did I had to modify them a little , and to make it harder my 10month old, Jhett spent the time trying to get the computer and I had to put him on my body while I was trying to do the workout lol. Nothing like trying to lug another 8 kg up and down.

I am still finding that I am feeling tired during the day, but the medication I am currently on one of its side affects is insomnia and I haven't slept well for a few days. I am hoping that will settle down and that I will start to get more energy very soon.

I am proud of myself for keeping things up, in the past I have been one of those people who start the whole weight loss thing but never gets past 2 days, before I go back to sitting on the couch and eating anything and everything in large amounts. I am taking each day as a step in the right direction, a move forward, another day where I can learn something about myself, learn how strong I am and how much I enjoy honouring and rewarding my magnificent body for the abilities it gives me.

breakfast
Tony Ferguson shake with fiber

Snack
Apple

Lunch
Salad with 120grms roast beef

Dinner
Left overs from last night, with a little low fat Tatziki

Snack
Low Fat homemade Veggie Soup

3x cups of tea
2 x Litres of Water.

Good Luck to everyone, and thanks for your support to those that are following me.
Danielle xox

Tuesday 14th of June

Hi everyone

Well I saw the Dr today and he said my back is fine, it is just all the muscles loosening up since they aren't actually use to being used lol. He was also very impressed with my flexibility yeah for me.

I thought it was about time I put some numbers up here.

I am 33 years of age, 6 foot 2 or about 187 cm tall and I weigh 147.7 kg. I am classified in the morbidly obese weight range. My waist is 123cms.

I am glucose intolerant, and my risk of developing type 2 diabetes is extreme. I have already had gestational diabetes and have had to inject insulin when I am pregnant.

I hate that during summer I get heat rash under my fat rolls and between my legs, I hate that I sweat like a pig just walking.

I hate that I can not buy the styles of clothing I would love to wear.

I hate that in my irrational head I shouldn't wear high heels cos I already stand out so much cos I am so fat. I now have a pair of high heels, that my amazing friend Susie bought for me, so I am fighting that irrational thought.

I have found a workout site called bodyrock.tv, I love the host, I could almost consider turning lesbian for her lol. I aim to be able to complete her daily workout sessions.

As per my name I want to be able to do Roller Derby, so I have started roller skating. I have attached a video so you can all see how far I have to go lol.  Sorry it is sideways I still have to play with it and turn it around lol.

I feel like this post has been a bit all over the place, so I am sorry for that lol.

Food Intake

Breakfast

Tony Ferguson Shake with Fiber

Snack

Apple

Lunch

Salad with 120grms shaved lean roast beef

Tea

Lean Mince, with corn, grated carrot, sweet potato, pumpkin, eggplant, broccoli, mushrooms, celery served on steamed cabbage.

Snack

Low fat yoghurt

2 x skim capps

2 x liters of water

Exercise

I did a boxing class on the x-box kinects Your Shape and a Zen class, who would have guessed Zen is an absolute killer lol, but there is a couple of moves that really open up my hips so I am hoping that helps with my hips and back.

Danielle xox

1st Day in Hell lol

Well today was my first day of walking with Ms Melons. She keeps up a pace that is for sure. I didn't keep up, I walked behind her lol but I didn't stop, Melons thinks we did about 2 kms. My legs, hips and butt are feeling it that is for sure lol. One thing I did notice was that my stride doesn't feel right, and I have got a bit of lower back pain so I am going to head off to the Doctor tomorrow just to get it checked out. I don't want this to stop me, I have only just started to get something happening. So thinking positive all the way lol.

This afternoon has been hard I have really wanted some carb's and coke. I haven't given in but it has been about mind over mind lol. I am yet to find something that helps to remove/distract the cravings. I might have to look at a post work out pick me up for when I am with Ms Melons.

I am just eating some of my partners brilliant veggie soup for tea but it is just not cutting the mustard, I want some bread or noodles lol or something that I can really feel.

I am happy that I have managed to get thru the day without eating food that I know can be a trap for me. I am trying not to think of food as good or bad, because I always want the bad stuff :). At the moment I am trying out foods that are a trap or foods that support my lifestyle choice. I am also very proud that I managed to get thru my walk, i don't tend to push myself like that and I wasn't sure I could manage.

Food intake Monday 13th of June.

Breakfast
Tony Ferguson Shake with fibre

Lunch
Salad with low fat bacon and egg for protein

Tea
Veggie soup with a little bacon for protein

Snacks
Apple
Yoghurt

3 x cups of tea
2 x litre water.

Well here we come tomorrow
Danielle xox

Food Intake Sunday 12th of June

Breakfast

• Boiled eggs, with short cut no rasher middle bacon, zucchini, baby spinach and cherry tomatoes. All lightly fried with cooking spray in a non-stick pan.

Lunch

• Chicken noodle and sweet corn soup

Tea

• Tuna and veggie stir fry on brown rice.

Snacks

• Low-fat yoghurt
• 2 litres water
• 1 skinny capp
• 3 cups of tea with skim milk and sweetener

Background and Goals

Thought I should post some background. I want to be able to look back on this blog and see how far I have come.

I have been overweight since I was about 12 I think, before that I was very thin and tall. I don't ever remember a time when I enjoyed exercise. I was always uncoordinated and slow. I was always very self conscious of myself and I don't ever remember feel like I was good enough. I always felt like people were looking at me and thinking "how fat and stupid and dumb and ugly is that idiot". Logically I know I am not that important, dumb, overweight or ugly that everyone is looking at me and thinking those things but that doesn't stop that horrible little voice in my head.

I eat for every emotion there is, and I love all things sweet particularly coke and chocolate. I love pastas and creamy sauces, bread and potatoes. I binge and will often eat until I feel uncomfortable.The thought of eating salad makes me feel uncomfortable.

Food has controlled me for such a long time and has coloured every thought process I have. I am not sure I know how to be me, or who me is without food.

Goals

I am still a little fuzzy on goals.

Big term goals at this stage

• Lose 70+kg. I want to go from a size 24/26 to a 12/14.
• I want to play Roller Derby
• I want to enter a body sculpting competition
• I want to be able to run up the 1000 steps.
• I want to like me in my skin

What I am still not sure on is all the in between short term goals.

Danielle xox

Well its time to get serious, time to be real and enjoy life, live, be healthy and achieve what I always say I want to, but secretly am to scared to do.

Why am I scared, I might fail, if I am not fat and people deont like me it means they dont like me for who I am not how I look. If I an not fat what do I have to hide behind, whats my excuse. What if I cant achieve/be who I think I want to be, what if I become something I dont like. I know I know all very stupid and pointless but isn't that the case with fear, its often not rational.

This blog is my accountability tool for myself but also for my commando Ms Melons (aka M, lol hope you like your new name). Ms Melons is my inspiration, my support and one of my major tools for change and for that I thank her from the bottom of my heart. I might not be so nice when my body hurts lol.

So my challenges for the next week Monday 13th of June to Sunday 19th of June

• 2+ Litres of water every day
• Walk Monday/Wednesday and Thursday
• Cross trainer Sunday/Wednesday and Saturday
• Kinect Your Shape Tuesday and Thursday
• Roller Skating Tuesday
• Blog all food eating honestly everyday.
• No carbs or softdrink